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Do you know who your “true self” is?

Recently, I was presented with this question and encouraged to ponder with the Holy Spirit what is preventing or hindering me from living out my true self.

As I got really still, with cardinals and humming birds flitting and playing all around me, the Holy Spirit, without wavering, said, “You are.”

Naturally, I tried to move right along, thinking that was just a random thought. Until I realized that it wasn’t from me and there was literally NO one, aside from the previously mentioned birds, anywhere in the vicinity. So, I sat with that declaration for a bit and realized that I AM the one preventing/hindering myself from living out my true self. But why?…

I’m not even sure who my true self is. I feel as if I was overruled for so much of my life when I voiced my opinions, my beliefs, my passions – about women and people of color, against racism and misogyny – especially in the church, especially as the only daughter among four brothers under my mother’s rule.

In my naivete, I allowed white men’s voices to speak for God. SO much didn’t sit right in my spirit, but each time I questioned, I was shunned – by church leadership, by women friends, by family members – and then I was left, isolated with my doubts and shame – and the enemy. Surely, EVERYONE else can’t be wrong and you, right! How arrogant can you be, Tricia?!

Only now are the rotten fruits of that effed-up theology (complementarianism, misogyny, white supremacy, patriarchy) falling to the ground for all to see, worm-filled, decaying, reeking, yet spewing hatred still, grasping desperately for the power that is their true god.

I am standing, sometimes barely, in a place of overwhelming gratitude that the rotten fruit is finally being seen for what it is and is composting itself, ever so slowly… (And ever so publicly for all the world to think that this is what followers of Jesus are) while also steeped in deep remorse at spending SO MANY years and decades being compliant as my TRUE SELF was buried deeper and deeper under years and decades of trying to be who the white male “god” interpreters told me I must be if I truly loved God, their Father.

I am in the process of releasing this and I am holding my hands and heart wide open (most of the time). I am being still and getting still and watching in wonder as You move in Your time. I am relearning and becoming intimate with You in a way I never knew how to or felt worthy of before.

I need to receive Your truths and release resentment. I need to embrace my true self, as I come to know her, and release the shame that has taken up too much space for far too long.

This is the beginning of labor, of my rebirth, my vivication, my awakening. It’s messy, scary, painful and so completely full of beauty as I take my first deep breath and cry out, letting all who care to hear, that I am alive, I have a voice and a calling.

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Biding, Passing Time

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with its near absence of color,

of joy,

of desire for more, for anything

has encroached on me,

permeating every part, thing, corner, every.


The shame of knowing I’ve innumerable blessings weighs heavily,

but does not lift the shadow dullness casts.

So much loss.

Promises not kept

Surrounding brokenness

Withheld grace

Hope is buried, bit by bit by bit,

then seemingly completely enshrouded by the nothingness.

No one with skin to confide in, to trouble with, to see me truly.

Longing for reprieve from the dullness, the pain, regrets, hopelessness.

Emotionally t r u d g i n g through

while physically carrying on

with smile in place and tears in check.

My mind pining for deep repose.

So tired

SO tired

Yearning for relief

Biding time, endless dark time,

with some modicum of self kindness, honor, grace

Attempts at remembering happier days, loving days are nearly in vain

Senses dulled – vision, feeling, mind, heart,

all dulled

This will pass.

My only hope, that doesn’t feel like hope, rather choice, in this exhausted moment is wait.

This WILL pass.



This will pass.

Relief will come.

Please return quickly to me, joy, hope, rest, brightness.

Or simply return…




Trajectory of (*) Communication

*(Vulnerable, Honest, Open, Respectful, Grace-filled, Spirit-led)

Choosing the Journey

Years of brokenness born of generations of addiction, abuse, pain. Feeding the narrative in our heads with hurtful assumptions that simply can’t be assumed without a conversation or two (or more, perhaps, many more) that is steeped in love and prayer that breaks the hateful rhetoric that goes against everything we have always known about the other and his/her character.

Let’s agree to come face-to-face in honest conversation. Let us agree to trade long-term dysfunction for short-term discomfort that can grow into health, peace, truth. Let us ask the questions that will satisfy our hearts without bringing our ugly assumptions, our festering narratives, or the voices of those whose motivation isn’t as much for our peace, as their security.

Let us call a spade, a spade, while viewing one another through the lens that Our Pappa God sees us through. Seeking understanding, providing hard truths, and beautiful, scarred reconciliation that cannot be built upon a foundation of more brokenness born of another generation of addiction, abuse, pain that has been shrouded in darkness and fed by the enemy.

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The path isn’t straight or without strife

Let us commit to doing the difficult work, to holding space, to navigating the twists and turns of layers of lies in our minds that will eventually lead to truth and grace. Let us commit to not giving up, or throwing away what is precious, even when it doesn’t feel precious. Let us release the bitterness we’ve been clinging to, while embracing the unfamiliar beauty that we’ve allowed the bitterness to slowly bury under days and weeks and months and years of listening to the enemy’s lies.

Let us do better for the generation being born today and tomorrow, so that their foundation is built on forgiveness and hard-fought love that has come into the light by choice, in spite of the discomfort of getting here.

Let us choose light over darkness, truth over assumptions, conversation over shutting out/down, love over complacency, joy over remorse. In all of this, may we choose freedom over bondage for ourselves and those who we love – for the generations that came before us and those who come after us. What better gift can we choose for our children, our parents, our lives?

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2 a period or state of obscurity, ambiguity, or gradual decline.

Sometimes we forget. When we look back we see so much that has gone wrong. We see the hurts, the betrayals and what seems like wasted investment of self, of heart, of life.


Decades of kissing boo-boos. Years of laundry, healthy meal planning, frugal vacations, PTA meetings, baseball games, doctor/dentist appointments, dying hair blue/purple, highlights, concerts, soccer matches, plays, bedtime stories, pool parties, broken hearts, illnesses, Halloween costumes, planting gardens, homeschooling, Christmas Eves and Christmas mornings, never sleeping, birthdays, settling silly arguments, driver’s licenses, growing up and moving out and moving back in and moving out.


“mary had a little man”


“for on now”


daddy’s boxers on top of footie jammas while sitting on your little rocking chair on top of the big rocking chair


“And thanks a lot for nothing. Amen.”

as well as

“Kookie doodles”


Persevering through soul breaking betrayal – of your marriage, of your body, of your character. Not once. Not twice…

Body beat up.

Heart in too many pieces to repair.

Mind full of sadness, confusion.

All poured out and nowhere left to go.

No one left.

Just you, and who is that?

Who is she?

Who am I?




Wanting Rest

Needing Accomplishment

Receiving Joy

Ticking clocks, passing days, weeks, years, decades

Priorities changing, confusing, elusive

Focus, Regret, Wounded

Overwhelmed by lack of initiative

Screaming, but okay

Beaten down or Mature?

Filled with Peace or Hopeless?



Be Still


(for now)


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You should smile more.

Don”t be a crybaby.

Your skirt is too short.

Great guns.

Your top/shirt/blouse is too low.

No shirt required.

You’re such a bossy bitch.

You are such a great leader.

How can you selfishly choose your career over your children?

You’re such a wonderful provider.

Look at the way she dresses/acts/walks. She was asking for it.

He’s always been such a great guy/athlete/student. You can’t blame him for losing control. Men can’t help themselves.

When will we start to hold men accountable for their actions? When will we stop holding women accountable for the bad actions of men? When will we begin to treat women with respect for their strengths and choices? Men are not born morons with no self-control, but if the church and the greater white culture continues to act as if this is the case, we will raise another generation that increasingly endangers women for ridiculous excuses like clothing or drinking, and fails the next generation because there will be even less healthy male examples to follow and even more disrespect for healthy female examples.

WOMEN: Start small. Turn off the sitcoms that have an idiot male lead with a female lead that does it all and has to constantly make concessions for her idiot husband.

Next, check yourself when you sit in judgement of women who don’t dress as conservatively as you think they should. Ask yourself why you feel bothered by her or insecure by her presence. Ask yourself if you’re blaming her because your significant other doesn’t practice self-control. Ask yourself where these ideas/judgements came from in the first place.

Perhaps, even try not assuming the other woman’s motives. Maybe she has no interest in your man. Maybe she just feels confident in the beautiful body God has given her and she is dressing in a way that makes her most comfortable. Perhaps, consider telling the men in your life to get their $*@& together and stop looking at women as if they are anything other than human beings that deserve respect and that doesn’t lessen because some men think they’re more important than they are.

Go Big. Honor other women by speaking out against the violence that is born of judgmental talk and misogynistic lifestyles. Honor everyone by holding men accountable for irresponsible/disrespectful/violent behavior towards women. Raise your sons to be responsible and respectful of ALL females. Raise your daughters to walk in the full identity they were created in, not shrinking back because of cultural ignorance. Set this expectation in your work environment, your social circles, as well as at home.

MEN: Start small. Turn off the sitcoms that have an idiot male lead with a female lead that does it all and has to constantly make concessions for her idiot husband.

Next, check yourself when you sit in judgement or lust of women who don’t dress as conservatively as you think they should. Ask yourself why you feel sexually toward her or distracted by her presence. Ask yourself if you’re blaming her because you aren’t practicing self-control. Ask yourself where these ideas/judgements came from in the first place.

Perhaps, even try not assuming the woman’s motives. Maybe she has no interest in you or any other man. Maybe she just feels confident in the beautiful body God has given her and she is dressing in a way that makes her most comfortable. Perhaps, consider telling yourself to get your $*@& together and stop looking at women as if they are anything other than human beings that deserve respect and that doesn’t lessen because you think your desires are more important than respect for them is.

Go Big. Honor women by speaking out against the violence that is born of judgmental talk and misogynistic lifestyles. Honor everyone by holding yourself and other men accountable for irresponsible/disrespectful/violent behavior towards women. Raise your sons to be responsible and respectful of ALL females. Raise your daughters to walk in the full identity they were created in, not shrinking back because of cultural ignorance. Set this expectation in your work environment, your social circles, as well as at home.

Misogyny: 1. hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women, manifested in various forms such as physical intimidation and abuse, sexual harassment and rape, social shunning and ostracism, etc.: (the underlying misogyny in slut-shaming; Historically witch hunts were an embodiment of the misogyny of the time.) 2. ingrained and institutionalized prejudice against women; sexism.

It’s going to take some time to dig into our social constructs and unearth the arrogant violence that some men have long planted into everything we know here in our culture. I understand there are varying degrees in white and non-white American cultures. I’m sure education levels and other factors may affect this, as well, but I hope we can all admit this toxin does exist in American culture to some degree and it’s a poison we need to begin eradicating.

If you don’t see this as I do, I would just ask that you pray to see this through Our Pappa God’s eyes and that He would give you His heart for women. I think that’s something everyone can be blessed by.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, wherever you stand.


One Link at a Time

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Breaking patterns is hard for most of us. I think we subconsciously fear change, even if it’s for the better. We stay in that co-dependent relationship, we keep eating the food that makes us sick, we repeatedly choose friendships that end the same dysfunctional way, we take another drink. Too often, I’ve done some of these things and then asked, “Why does this keep happening to me?!”

Well, Self, it keeps happening to you because of your choices. When you are raised by an emotionally distant parent, it isn’t surprising that you choose emotionally distant friendships or partners. Logically, it seems we would choose the opposite of the personality that caused us so much pain, but often we choose what we are most familiar with and then spin our wheels trying to change the other person. Often, when the relationship finally begins to get healthier, we will sabotage things without realizing that we’re doing it, just because we subconsciously desire the known unhealthy over the unknown healthier.

It isn’t surprising that the people who struggle with addictions, alcohol, food, porn, are often the children and then parents of addicts. While some of this may be hereditary, much of it is learned behavior or left behavior. Because, when we are left to fill the overwhelming void from a parent who is lacking in some area, we will fill it with food, sex, drugs, alcohol or some other harmful thing.

We can get really good at putting on a public face that projects, “I have it all together,” especially if we’ve been living in a way that has taught us to survive by keeping others at bay. As adults, we often surround ourselves with people who don’t really want to go deep, then they buy into the perfect picture lie and encourage the façade we present to the world. We can read self-help books by Christian authors and other authorities, we can learn yoga and Pilates, we can post scripture and lovely thoughts about how perfect our life is, but the truth is still right there next to us, all over us. Our Pappa God knows this and He offers us real help, through accountability. We can walk through the 12-steps, seek out GOOD Christian counseling, ask those around us to truly hold us accountable in love. All of these choices are scary as heck to any normal person living in dysfunction. We are faced, once again, with the decision… Do we want to spend the rest of our time on this earth doing this crazy dysfunctional dance because it’s what we’ve always known, or do we want to truly grow and be the beginning of change for the better in our families and our other relationships for generations?

I wish I could say that I woke up one day in my twenties and realized I needed to change, that I didn’t drag my babies into my mess and leave them in a similar predicament just as they embraced adulthood, but the truth is I just kept running until my seemingly perfect looking life completely imploded in my 40’s and I had to really look at all of the coping mechanisms I had developed to survive and admit that I had played a part in the implosion. I wasn’t simply a victim.

I’ve lost important relationships along the way. The hardest part of living in dysfunction is that when we begin to turn away from it and toward health, some of the people we love most will choose to stay in the brokenness for the same reasons we did for so long and they will do and say horrible, often untrue, things about and to us because they are desperate to keep us in the mess with them. When you refuse to stay in the mire with them, they will often replace you with someone else who is willing to co-sign their drama. The hard truth is we can’t do anything about it, aside from pray. They have to come out into the light with all of their ugly crap, by choice, just like we did. Until that happens, all we can do is offer to hold a safe place to make amends eventually, and pray on the daily.

I can do this because I know that Pappa God doesn’t desire brokenness in any person or family relationship. He is always working behind the scenes. When I look back over my life, I can see He was pursuing me all along and I was running as fast as I could in the opposite direction, thinking the ends justified the means. I didn’t realize that I had to dig DEEP down and get to the core of my wound. Those self-help books, etc. were great band-aids for a bit, but they didn’t help me get to the depth of the infection and bring it out into the light, so, instead, it continued to grow down deep into my soul.

All the while, the enemy was sprinkling fertilizer on that mess. He creates division. He cuts off communication and starts to encourage that narrative in our heads to go as south as he can, so that we see the people who love us the most and pray most for us as evil and untrustworthy. He takes the hurtful things we say to one another and blinds us to the pain that may have caused the words, so that all we see is our own unwarranted deep injury. Always seeing ourselves the victim.

The only regret I have in my life is that I didn’t choose to begin the work earlier. It would’ve changed so much. It would have prevented some of the pain my children have experienced. I would’ve been at peace with myself and my choices so much sooner. It has been over a decade that I first began to look at my deep wounds and ask Pappa God to give me the courage to face them and walk more in the way He called me to all along. I’ve done counseling to understand my broken parents, to help my marriage, to understand my children and to mama better, to be a better me. I’ve walked through the Steps more than once and I’m planning to do it, again, in a few months. I’ve done inner-healing prayer many times. I continue to read those books and work on my physical body. I go to gatherings where I believe He leads me to. Walking out of brokenness isn’t a “One & Done” kind of deal. It is slow and difficult. It is painful and ongoing. It can be exhausting, but living in dysfunction was all of those things with no end in sight. We can walk the journey to freedom, understanding it doesn’t come in a neat single package. It is a process, and we walk in more and more of the freedom we long for, as we break each chain that is binding our hearts. There are definitely detours that mess us up. The enemy has worked through situations and people to trip me up a time or two, but he hasn’t stopped me, yet. Each step is an opportunity to break another link off of the long chain we’ve amassed over our lives and walk with just a bit less weight on our backs.

It’s daunting, for sure. Becoming spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy are each grueling journeys that go hand-in-hand and are no walk in the park. Letting go of bitterness and victimhood isn’t easy when it’s been such a big part of your identity since forever and a day. The cool part is that once you begin to release that ish, it will blow your mind in the best of ways. If you start today, you have chosen to change the trajectory of your life for generations. What you decide will be what you gift your children, your nieces & nephews, and everyone else who matters now and who will matter in the future. It will be your path for the rest of your days because you will want to acquire more and more freedom as you walk more in the identity He has always had for you. Imago Dei.

I pray you ask for the courage and the companionship Our Pappa God is waiting to supply. I pray good people come alongside you to undergird you on your journey, and that you are able to release the people who are not ready to walk this path, yet. I pray your children and/or loved ones are influenced by your humble decisions. It’s never too late. I’ll be praying for you.

‘Tis the Season (to Ramble)

Love Lost, Life Found, Grief Experienced

It’s been a rough 9 months for everyone – some much more than others. This Rona is no joke. The political division that has been caused by it has been devastating to so many and I don’t expect things to heal overnight. – Also, there has long been deep division caused by systemic racism, sexism and centuries of financial, as well as educational disparity in the United States that seems to have come out of the secret places, stepping out boldly, because we’ve spent the past 4 years being “led” by an old privileged white narcissist who supported all of that ugliness while bragging about grabbing women by the p*$$#. So, for many of us, it’s been a traumatizing 4 years, with the most recent 9 months being the most unbearable.

In my personal life it’s been a broken several years for me. Sometimes I’m amazed I’m still getting up in the morning and other times I mostly realize I can only get through the day because He’s got me. I also have so many things to be incredibly thankful for, and I am, but today I am sitting in the brokenness.

This typically happens to me about once year, but it feels like it’s been thrice already this year. I allow myself to grieve what is lost or broken. I have a little pity party with just my Pappa and me. He holds space for me to be my authentic self, in all of the humanness that I can muster and then He stands me back up again, and I am able to carry on in a confidence built on His faithfulness.

I am sad because my husband betrayed our marriage many years ago, and while we have worked hard to grow out of that sin and all of the ways we both contributed to that horrific anguish, there is a part of us that feels like our marriage will never fully recover. We have gotten much better in so many areas of our relationship and even in our own persons, but betrayal is not something you bounce back from. The wreckage is long-lasting and deeply embedded. Daily I must choose to make my marriage what it can be and not settle for what it is or give up on it and allow it to quietly die a death of complacency.

My oldest son and his wife are expecting their first child. I am beyond happy for them. He hasn’t allowed me to be in his life for several years because he thinks I took money from him – which is ludicrous if you know what kind of mama I’ve always been. I pray over the ultrasound picture every morning that they shared with us a while back. I am thankful that they shared their blessed news with us and even more grateful to be able to pray for their family each day, but I can’t help but wonder if he’ll choose to have me in their lives. Will I know my grandchild? Will my son remember who I am, what my character is, how devoted I’ve always been? Ultimately, I have resigned myself to rest in praying for them daily and trusting that Our Pappa God has all of us in His hand, but some days I am overcome by how easy it seems it was for my first born to cast me aside for something so not precious, how easy it seems it was for him to see me as so self-serving and greedy, when he saw how I lived my life always putting my children’s needs first, rarely buying things for myself (like most mamas) and certainly never stealing things from anyone. Yet, here we are and on days such as today, I am grieving. I am crying out, “Why did this happen?!” to My Pappa God, but I am also gently reminded that our relationship was co-dependant, there was so much brokenness in our family then and He is the God of restoration. It hardly ever looks the way I expect it to or think it should, but years of walking with a God who is abundantly faithful has made it possibly for me to (finally) trust that He will bring about a resolution that is better than any of us could ever imagine.

I miss my friends. I miss having a very best friend. I lost one of my closest friends just after my husband’s betrayal. It was gut-wrenching. She had been my friend since early elementary school. I was suicidal and she was the ONLY person I shared my humiliating news with. She promised she would fly out to see me in the following 2 weeks. I desperately needed her to hold my head above water as I had hers when she went through her journey with cancer and the loss of both of her parents in the two years before this. She called me just before she was supposed to fly out and told me that her husband refused to spend money on a plane ticket. She said they just couldn’t afford it. I was devastated, but I reassured her that I knew she had no choice and I wouldn’t want to be a financial burden on her marriage. Three days later, as I perused social media, there my “best” friend was in Cabo (or some tropical place) with several other friends on a girls’ trip. I had to borrow money to fly home for her mama’s funeral less than a year before this. It took me days to reconcile what I saw in those pictures and what she had said to me on the phone. I asked her several times to help me understand what she had done, for over 2 years after that. She mostly ignored me and then when I asked her in person, her response was, “I’m a shi$$# friend, okay? Let’s move on. Talking about this won’t change anything.” I spent a couple of years trying to put it behind me and then I began to realize how entitled and judgemental she had become, which helped me to finally walk away. Years too late, and I’m thankful I finally did, but losing one of your oldest friends with whom you’ve done so much life is heartbreaking, even when you know that your life is much better with that person no longer in it.

The thing is, these stories are oversimplified. I know that the brokenness was the result of layers of disfunction caused by years of not really getting to the issues at hand. Festering wounds not looked at closely in order to get to the deep infection, so that we could all maintain a false sense of peace and harmony until it all imploded. I know that because I used to think I had no real worth to others unless I was what they needed, that I operated out of that and eventually, my fears came to desolating reality. I allowed others to take me for granted because I didn’t believe they would choose me and then when I most needed them to choose me and even asked them to, they choose the other thing because this was our dance, the one I had been in step with all along, until I wasn’t.


Definition of insanity Memes

is what finally changed my life. I lost SO MANY relationships because people just walked away and I stopped chasing them. We’re taught that when you finally take a stand for yourself, others will see your worth, value your relationship and you will all live happily ever after. I’m sure that on occasion that is the result, but in my life I have found that many of the people I loved just walked away, kept walking and are still walking in the other direction without a thought in their heads of me or my worth.

Amidst the carnage, I have emerged His beloved and bruised daughter who has done the hard work of counseling, inner healing, and walking the 12-steps, of having hard conversations and choosing healthier relationships, who does things for others now because I want to and because, after praying, I am reasonably sure He wants me to. I respect who I am and who I am growing into more than ever. I am open to my brokenness and strive to continue healing and growing into the daughter He calls me to be in Him.

I love my parents and I forgive them for how their brokenness and pride has hurt me. I pray that they forgive me for my brokenness and that they find Our Lord and choose to be His before they leave this Earth . I love my husband and I’m thankful that he daily chooses to walk this very difficult road of healing with me instead of taking the seemingly easier way out. I love my son and pray that one day he will remember my love and dedication for him. I pray that if he doesn’t choose to invite me back into his life that more than all else, he knows Our Pappa God and His love for him intimately and that he finds peace with himself. I love my friend and I’m working on forgiving her betrayal and even more her disregard for the pain of that and her response since has caused me. I pray she learns to love everyone as He does and that one day she will choose to live in peace with me.

I have wallowed in my self-pity while My Pappa has held me through my cries of anguish. Where would I be without His faithfulness? What would I do, truly?

If you’ve made it this far, I want to thank you for holding space for my grief and emotional rambling. I understand that this is an uncomfortable post to read. It’s hard to write and will be even more excruciating to actually publish. We are a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of culture. We aren’t supposed to openly acknowledge emotional trauma or pain, especially not with a self-pity kind of viewpoint. I know this well, because I was raised with an extra dose of stoicism. What I’ve come to believe since watching my family of origin implode, is if more of us would be forthcoming with the havoc that betrayal, abandonment and other relational brokenness can bring, perhaps those that come after us will choose better and live more healthy, honest lives that bring them peace. I’m thankful that I’m walking more in the identity My Pappa God calls me to after years of recovery and painful growth. I’m incredibly grateful that my three youngest children have not only witnessed my journey, but they have chosen to walk the steps, do the counseling, have the hard conversations and be accountable as they grow. Knowing they are figuring this out in their 20’s as opposed to 50’s like their mama, is the best gift I’ve ever received.
‘Tis the season…


Serenity, Tranquility — Perspectives on Personal Fulfillment

When Mother’s Day is Hard

photo of mother and child
Photo by Daria Obymaha on

We have 5 children, one each from our first marriages and then our 3 youngest together.  Our two oldest are only 3 months apart in age, just 3 and almost 3 when we married, nearly 31 years ago.  

Blending a family is no joke, but when you are 25 years old, still swimming in brokenness and ignorance of who Our Pappa God is, then even your best efforts mostly end up a pile of mess.  We did family counseling, family get-aways, and took every opportunity to become a loving family.  I longed for our sons to feel safe and loved without condition.  In some ways, we succeeded, but in so many more, we failed miserably.  I’m sure so many blended parents can relate to this.

We were each overly protective of our bio-sons and had damaged relationships with their other parents.  Some of our family members on both sides were less than supportive.  We came from different ethnic backgrounds, different religious backgrounds and got married after only dating for 5 months!  I don’t think we could’ve set the scene for massive failure much more if we tried.

I’d like to say, “Here we are, still standing,” but that wouldn’t be the whole truth.  Those two sweeties, who are older than we were when we started this crazy journey, are now estranged from us.  For more years than I can fathom, at times, they have chosen to have nothing to do with us.  It is painful.  As time passes, I admit, my hope diminishes that we will ever reconcile.  I sometimes imagine calling my firstborn and saying, “Don’t you remember who I am?  How I have always loved you so completely and without condition?  Why was it so easy to just cut me out of your life over such pettiness?”  But, he has repeatedly made it clear that he wants no contact from me and tbh, I mostly feel at peace that we are, each of us, right where we need to be right in this season.  

I read something by Beth Moore today in CHASING VINES that gave me such comfort, because there are still moments that creep up now and then, when I feel like after all I poured into my son, to have him turn on me so completely,  it was a waste of my life because the fruit of that seems so rotten now.  I’m going to pull a few sentences out from her book to share with you, after my disclaimer.

*Please no judgement here.  I am being honest about the really dark and difficult days of this brokenness as a mama.  

“Why, Lord?  Why did this turn out the way it did?

He knows.  He tells those who listen….

The vinedresser does a curious thing with the rotten fruit.  He turns it back into the soil and then, underground, by some spectacular organic miracle of nature, it fertilizes a future harvest.”  – Beth Moore, CHASING VINES

I think many of us have experienced deep disappointment(s) in an area of our lives that was significant.  Then we wonder why and feel discouraged that it was all for naught, when, in fact, it wasn’t.  It never is, because when we choose to walk through that difficult season with Our Pappa, learning from the mistakes we’ve made, then the next season is full of sweeter fruit.

I poured everything I was able to into all of my children.  They were my life’s work and joy.  I messed up plenty out of my own brokenness, like every other human being that walks this earth.  I’ve spent the past several years asking My Pappa God to show me the places I’ve needed healing and where I’ve needed to help others heal from my sins.  I pray my firstborn is growing with Our Pappa God, as well.  I pray that one day we will find reconciliation and grace for one another because I believe it is His will.

Tomorrow will be hard in some ways.  I think of him every day, but he is the one that made me a mama, so this one is one of the harder days.  He will probably send me a text that hurts more than blesses (again) that says, “Happy Mother’s Day” and I will wish that he didn’t because years of texts that seem to check the box more than have true sentiment, are a reminder of how little I seem to mean to him anymore.

Tomorrow will also be lovely because my three youngest children and my husband of 31 years are still standing, sometimes limping, but always striving to grow together.  They love me and will celebrate me, flaws and all.  I am blessed beyond measure, but on my road to being whole I must honor that part of me that grieves the loss of another year with the boy who made me a mama.


Just Breathe

silhouette of man sitting on grass field at daytime

This Rona season has me contemplating the simple things, the things I sometimes take for granted.  I miss eating out with friends and family.  I miss seeing people’s smiles (the rare times I’m out in public these days) because masks are covering their pearly-whites – which I’m thankful for healthwise, but it’s a little sad for my heart.  I miss chatting it up with the person in front of or behind me in the checkout line.  I miss running up to my friends and hugging their necks.  I miss having people over my house.

In all of this, I have been trying to find the simple and the good and I’m happy to report there has been an abundance of both.

I’m grateful for the air that I am able to breathe.  I’m not stuck inside my house.  I am able to walk outside and take in the air that just HAS to be cleaner now without as many vehicles on the roads, or airplanes in the sky, right?  My allergies have been pretty awful, so I’m not loving that, but in the whole scheme of things, allergies are a booger.  Except when I’m out in public, feeling terrified of coughing or sniffling, because people look at me like I’m purposely infecting everyone with the rona.  I’ve gotten really good at holding my sniffles and clearing my throat behind the new mask that my beautiful friend, Lisa made for me (and my entire family).

I don’t even know what I’d do without our little backyard.  I ordered a 10′ X 5′ inflatable pool that is a whopping 2 feet deep and it is giving me life!  My grandboy loves being in there with me, squealing and splashing.  He is JOY incarnate.  When our kiddos were young and we lived in the Mitten, we had a beautiful in-ground pool, complete with diving board and slide.  This is a fraction of it in every way, except that I love it just as much right now, perhaps more because I don’t have to clean it for an hour every morning or pour my life savings into chemicals to keep it clean and balanced.  I keep giggling at how hillbilly I look lying in that thing.  I’ve no doubt we will laugh about Nana in her kiddie pool for years to come, but right now, it is my private respite and I am thankful!

My garden is bursting in every row and it’s right outside my bedroom door, so starting my day with the view of all that new green life is the stuff!  My Honey has been trimming trees, and working on the yard and patio daily for the past two weeks and I am enjoying the fruits of his labor.  I’ve had to continue (meaning I am SO blessed to be) working for my nanny family.  My hours are long, although I only work 3 days a week, but coming home to a clean house, with dinner on the table and extra deep cleaning and/or yard work being done is my love language.  My Honey has always been a hard working man and I so appreciate how he takes care of me and our kiddos.

Curbside has finally settled down so that I can get groceries in less than 7 days, instead of in no less than two weeks or not at all.  I’m so grateful that we don’t have to go into grocery stores nearly as much as we were having to the past several weeks or so.  Also, the shelves are stocked once again!  It’s such a blessing to get organic food and just the things we prefer, again.  I’m incredibly thankful for the grocery and restaurant workers & delivery people.  WHAT would we do without them?!  They continue to risk their lives to bring us what brings us life.  Please tip them extra and extend grace during this exhausting and risky time.  We need to appreciate and care for them.

ZOOM!  I don’t know how we would get through this time without seeing the gorgeous faces of our friends and family.  There is nothing like a real hug and conversation over a yummy cup of chai, but this app is literally keeping me sane and saving my life some days!  I don’t have to clean my house to have lifegroup!  I don’t even have to wear pants.  If I want to yell at my Honey or blow my nose, I can block myself out and mute myself for a quick minute and no one is any the wiser.  Also, I only have to make myself a cup of chai and I can meet in my bedroom!  Seriously, this is my best life on some level.

Michelle Obama is doing a Read-Along on PBS every Monday from April 20 – May 11!  If that doesn’t make you do the Happy Dance, I don’t know what will!!!


My home that is small enough to keep clean and big enough to find a quiet place when any of us tires of the others – which happens a time or two in 5 or 6 weeks – is one of my favorite blessings.  It is cozy and colorful.  There is food in the cupboards and fridge.  There is always coffee and tea at the flip of a switch and a big, comfy couch to melt into in the living room.

Our property manager called today and told us to only pay half of the rent for the next two (May and June) months! – He already told us that April was free!  How does THAT happen?!  God is faithful and generous beyond measure.  And we, in turn, got to bless friends and family that are going through some really difficult times right now.  His economy is beyond magnificent!

Our children, their families and friends, our parents and our siblings and their families are healthy.  Today we got a card from my mother and father-in-love in the mail.  It was so encouraging and full of love.  Such a simple thing and it blessed us so big.

Our auto insurance company emailed us that they are giving us a 20% rebate for April and May.  Huge!  After I received this message, I went to their page and found out they are doing all sorts of kind things, like:

  • We don’t want you to worry about losing your insurance if you can’t pay right now. Starting April 1, 2020, we’ll waive late fees, pause collections, and hold off on canceling or non-renewing any active policies due to non-payment through May 15, 2020. Some states have already issued leniency guidelines, so we will adjust this timeline to either meet or exceed any state-specific requirements.

This was my favorite part:

First responders, health care workers, and delivery drivers are at the front lines of the crisis, and we’re doing everything we can to help by:

  • Providing expedited roadside assistance
  • Expanding coverage for personal auto customers who are temporarily delivering food or medicine
  • Offering meal delivery for our for-hire truckers
  • Providing a full-service claims experience for first responders and health care workers who experience a car accident. We’re providing transportation to work and expediting tow and vehicle repairs. And if needed, we’re deferring deductibles and providing a rental vehicle.

These acts of kindness are how My Pappa God brings joy into these crazy, unsure days of mine.  There are plenty of horrible things happening out there, I am aware.  I am praying for people stuck in abusive situations.  I’ve been there and I can’t imagine how awful that must be during this time in history.  People are losing loved ones to this virus and the victims are often dying without their loved ones anywhere near them.  Many are facing financial crisis unlike they’ve ever known.  I’ve no desire to minimize that or ignore it, I’m just, like many of you, trying to manage all of this as best I can and I am thankful for the heroes, for the acts of kindness that arise when things fall apart.  I think it’s important to share the good stuff so that we can bless others with stories of the beauty that comes from these ashes.

Do you have a story of kindness or generosity during this pandemic?  Please share it here in the comments.  Each day is a challenge for all of us on some level right now, and I’d love to have a bank of “the beauty” right here for anyone who journeys through to hold onto.

Bless you.