I’ve been seeing a counselor. She’s a 12-step girl, so she speaks my language and she is all about keeping it real. She doesn’t let me gloss over or avoid the uncomfortable stuff. I feel exhausted every time I leave her office. I also feel a little more substantial, like I’m beginning to live the life He means for me to live. His path is a bit scary for me because it’s not what I’m used to. What I’m used to is messed up in a lot of ways, so I’m mostly ready to leave it behind, but some of the broken parts of me prefer what they’re used to. The unknown, even when it’s healthier, is scary. Dysfunction is comfortable. That’s why so many of us live in it for years. That is also the reason others often attempt to sabotage people who try to leave the dysfunction and live a healthier life. When people shine a light on the ugliness that has been our life, we feel cornered if we aren’t ready to take an honest look and make some changes.
I have some Bible verses that I have carried with me and they’ve helped me through some incredibly difficult moments in life. I also have this:
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome…”
These are the words that have made me move, re-examine, confess, change. – and it hasn’t been a one-time deal, either. These words have been my anchor on a few momentous occasions on my journey through life.
My newest epiphany is that I am allowed to not be perfect and accept, even expect, the grace that others should extend me just as I extend grace to them. I don’t really think I’m perfect at all, but I have a tendency to try to be perfect and then beat myself up HUGE when I’m inevitably imperfect, as everyone is. I’m trying to find that place where I can do my best in that moment and then walk away without having to do the best I ever have without anything wrong for some not-so-good reasons, like that’s where I get my sense of worth from, or because I’ll be punished if I don’t give my all and then some, or because I’m terrified that someone will see me as anything less than the hardest worker, best mom, best wife or best teacher… It’s exhausting, y’all!
I’m going to try to find a better place to be in these areas. I have no doubt this will be an ugly and hysterically funny journey for me. I will probably go too far the other way, or, at times, justify not changing much, but saying I have, and I’m sure I’ll make a bunch of other mistakes along the way – all of which will drive my family absolutely crazy, I’m sure. Some of them are already not so thrilled with the new, “improved” version of me that is emerging. That’s okay because I haven’t been terribly thrilled with them at times, but I never quit on them, so I’m calling in my markers. I’m worth fighting for and I’m worth extending grace to.
All of us are. That’s why He sacrificed His son’s life for us. He loves us unconditionally and chose to die for our sins so that we could have everlasting life, right? And in the meantime, I’m tired of being less than He means for me to be because my life has beat me up a bit and my dysfunction keeps bringing me pain. I want to be free while I’m here and I want to set that example for my children and grandchildren. I want to truly live. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s the stuff. It scares the bejeebies out of me and excites me all at the same time. I think that’s why He gave me moxie. I have to find it, dust it off and learn to allow it to be a part of me again. I want to embrace the parts of me that I have been made to feel ashamed of since I was very young. In doing that, I hope to help others to remember who He made them to be and embrace all of themselves, because He does – completely.
Here’s to FREEDOM and change.
Here’s to Choice and Moxie.
Here’s to Persevering.
Here’s to Love…