Usually when I post on my blog it’s because He’s put something on my heart to share in hopes that others who struggle with the same junk will be encouraged, or at the very least, not feel so alone. Today I’m just feeling like I need to push myself to write because it’s good for my soul. I’m a little nervous about just writing and putting it out there without a well organized agenda. I’ve written plenty of posts whose main purpose was to help me work through painful junk in my life, but I couldn’t actually post them because they may have been seen as an attack on the person who had caused me pain. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I wanted to lash out with my words, but (so far) I’ve behaved myself.
I’m tired. I’m ready for some changes in my life – some big, some not so big. I’m trying to be sure that the changes I decide to move ahead with are chosen because He’s leading me that way and not just because of my emotions about the status quo of those situations. I’m trying to be careful because of the “Unraveling” that entering my 50’s has caused. I don’t want to make major life decisions, and then have my family (or me) live with bad consequences because of my choices.
There’s a part of me that keeps trying to figure out what happened to the past 25 years of my life. I mean, I remember it. I even remembering savoring every last drop of the time I had with my children. I remember trying to make every holiday special so that they would look back and feel treasured. Pool parties with all of the neighborhood kids, reading book after book, cuddling, trips to museums, water parks, visiting relatives, friends – these were all part of our time together. The funny thing is that I still wonder how it went so fast. I question how I could’ve done it all better, made it more special, been more present, created a stronger bond…
It’s one of the most painful and truly wonderful experiences in the entire everything; being a mom. It’s a common theme in our culture. Mom sacrifices it all to raise her kiddos well. She gives up her career, her interests and social life for a while, and her dignity now and again, all for the sake of investing in other human beings that will buck her authority, break multiple valuables in her home, put the kibosh on her sex life, embarrass her in public, become bipolar in their teens and cause her to lose her mind waiting for them to come home safely once they have a driver’s license. We’re more than happy to do it because we absolutely ADORE our little monsters and no sacrifice is too great.
and then they move out and move on. Now, if we’re played this thing out smart, we still have friendships we’ve cultivated through the years, we can return to a career we love if we choose, our marriage is still intact because we’ve nurtured our relationship through the years. If we haven’t, we may be in for a HUGE unraveling. I find that I’m somewhere in the middle of this whole thing. *Disclaimer: I believe it’s a rare woman who escapes the unraveling completely.
I have returned to my career. My marriage is intact. I’ve several close friends in Michigan, but very few in Texas.
Unfortunately, the unraveling can cause your feelings of dissatisfaction to grow exponentially and it’s been my experience that it’s hard to tell when the feelings are really from Him and true, or when I’m allowing emotions and worldly junk to cloud my vision. I’m just being honest… Sometimes I panic a little and think, “Holy crap! This is how old I am and I probably don’t have much time left. What have I done with the time He’s given me?!” – and then I feel trapped in a house I just want to move out of, a career I feel disrespected in (mostly), a life I feel is steeped in mediocrity, and the clock just keeps on ticking.
I also have moments when I can’t believe how blessed I am, but the unraveling is almost always there now, reminding me that time is slipping away and in the big picture I am not content with where I’ve been or how far I’ve come. None of this has to do with my gratefulness for all He has blessed me with. It has everything to do with what I’ve done with the life He’s blessed me with. I get stuck in between that place of not being content in where I’m at, along with feeling like I’m a bad Christian if I long for more, and being confident that He’s the one who placed the unrest in me so that I will be more in His will. I’m just not always sure I know which path He’s leading me down, so then I stall and wait and worry that I’m wasting more precious time because I’m not even a good enough Christian to know if it’s God or me that’s nudging me to move…
I wonder if other people feel this way. I wish I could see into the future and know what decisions I will choose to move ahead with and if I will be any more in His will than I am now.
– Who doesn’t?!
So… there’s my ramble for the day. This is me being transparent and raw, not wanting any well-meaning Christians to throw anecdotal Christianity at my struggle. My hope is that I will hear/see/feel clearly what He desires for me and then very obviously open the doors He wants me to walk through. I’m a hammer on the head kinda girl… He knows that. He created me that way.
Rambling brainstorm over… for now.