Like everyone else, I struggle with having enough time to do the things I need and want to do. Why is keeping up with the laundry such an impossible task when my predecessors had to use a wash board and hang everything up? All I have to do is throw it in with some homemade laundry soap and vinegar, toss it into the dryer and then take it out to fold or hang after about 45 minutes. Somehow I end up with a MOUNTAIN of clothes, towels, etc. every couple of weeks and it’s a chore to get it all put away properly. Cooking is the same.
A few years ago the situation was: I hardly see friends. I hardly see my family. It’s a luxury to write on here. Last week was the first time since forever. I know I have tons of company in this area. I have been struggling with this for years – especially since I’ve return to work full time. I always get caught up in the worldly demands of the here and now, so I work my tail off keeping up with school work (not mine, I’m the teacher!), and spend what’s left of the weekends making food for the week, washing & drying clothes and cleaning the house. The last few weeks I have taken time on Sunday to go to a movie and/or get a massage with my husband and daughter. It was fun, but I still didn’t feel rejuvenated, like I was hoping to feel.
I haven’t been sleeping well. Insomnia has been my unwelcome companion for many years. Some of that is just my nature, some of it is family drama and some of it is my job. I’ve been taking magnesium and melatonin before bed and sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow and they’ve all helped immensely. Still I’m not centered and I can tell it is affecting many areas of my life.
Now, I only work part time and I’m still struggling with slowing down. I spend time with friends, I never bring work home, my children have moved out, so laundry is a fraction of what it used to be. Yet, here I am feeling like I’m chasing my tail, feeling out of balance and too busy at times.
I know what the answer is. I forget sometimes when I get caught up in doing and forget about being, but in my heart of hearts I always know… The sad part is that after a while I avoid the obvious answer because I can’t remember how to begin again. How to REALLY slow down and be in communion with Him becomes so foreign that I just avoid it or step up my B Game and say more quick little prayers during the day… UGH!! Aren’t I too old for this?!
Spending time with Him… Being truly quiet, not just audibly, but in my spirit, is my goal. As I sit here and recall similar times in my life the solution is always the same: Spending time with Him. And He’s always waiting patiently for me. I think because of my very conditional upbringing I have a hard time believing that He’ll be waiting for me in any other way than to tell me how I’ve let Him down and to let me know that He’s done with me, so my B Game seems like the best choice after I’ve fallen off the relationship wagon for a bit. At least then I don’t have to risk His complete rejection…
I just continually and constantly imagine it…
I spent some time with Him yesterday. I’m not gonna lie. It was SO hard to be still and quiet in my spirit. Slowing down was a task! It took me awhile and then I got incredibly sleepy. But I was at the point of brokenness and my memories reminded me of who He is and has always been, so I persevered and He clearly spoke lovingly to my heart. He ALWAYS does. Why would I rely on anything else? Why do I forget who my oxygen mask is?…
I’m so glad He’s not like me. I would grow impatient with a daughter like me. I would take it personally instead of realizing that my daughter is still growing and she has some shortcomings that have nothing to do with me.
Then there’s satan. He’s all over this, doing his best to keep me from my Father. I had the worst night of sleep last night that I have had in a couple of months. I laid in bed for a couple of hours trying to solve everything in my head. I’m still growing and I definitely have several shortcomings. Today I’m spending time with Him. I’m setting my alarm a little earlier tomorrow morning so that I can start my day listening to Him. I have a feeling that I will again struggle with being quiet and simply being with My Father, but I know that He will be there, waiting for me with His incredible love and protection.
So, I will press on. I will do this again and again, as I fall away and stumble through my journey. He will forever be there, because He adores me, His beloved, prodigal daughter and I will pick myself up, dust myself off and stumble into His loving and wide-open arms.