Author Archives: Tricia

About Tricia

I am a Michigan girl from birth, but I have fallen in-love with Austin. Our family (my hubby and our 3 youngest, and then our oldest 2 years later) relocated here 11 years ago and since then our lives have been traumatized and transformed in more ways than I can begin to share. I hope to help others feel less alone with my blog because I have known loneliness in recent years unlike anything I've have ever experienced. I also hope I can work through some of my junk, because, Lord knows, I have a truck load of it and then some... Writing is my passion. It always has been and I believe that He made it so. Hitting publish is a bit like walking out the front door with your pants down, but I'm over playing it safe. I'm 50 (something) years old and I want to live my life more fully by putting myself out there: the good, the bad and the truly ugly... I invite you to share your thoughts and opinions!!

The Evolution of My Sin


apple one bite

Growing up in my family of origin, it was normal to discuss how absurd other people’s choices were.  I heard (and eventually said) things such as, “Who does that?!” and “I would NEVER act like that!”  We pretty much had the corner on the market when it came to how to parent, how to behave in public and just generally how to do everything and how to be at all times.

I carried on this tradition with my own family for longer than I care to admit.  At some point I realized in the midst of utter shame that I was the leader of my “judgmental & gossipy pack,” so I began praying a bunch and worked toward not criticizing almost everyone we encountered on the regular.  It was clear to me that, while I believed almost every “normal” family did this on their way home from gatherings, it was not healthy, nor very Christlike, and I wanted better for my children.  I wanted better for myself and my character.

Several years ago, after I had been intentionally working on extinguishing this ugly behavior,  I felt very convicted and decided I didn’t want to participate in it with my family of origin any longer.  This is when I realized that what we were doing was gossiping and I could put a name to my sin. Up to this point, it had honestly not dawned on me that what we were doing was judgmental gossiping.  The next time I was on the phone and my family member began to criticize another family member’s parenting and marital choices, I calmly said, “I feel like what we’re doing is gossiping and I don’t want our conversations to be about this kind of stuff.  I would prefer to talk about you or something else because…”  And at that point the other person began screaming at me a bit maniacally, hung up on me, and then did not speak to me for almost 4 months.  This was not how I envisioned this scene.  I was certain that after I had poured so much prayer into it and was speaking out of my own shame and love that it would be received in kind.

I’d like to tell you that I never get in the car with my family and begin to chat it up about how so-and-so spoke to so-and-so very rudely or how much so-and-so bragged about his whatever, but that would be a lie.  The good news is that since we’ve been working on this as a family for years, I can usually count on someone to guide me back to Jesus in love.

It’s not unusual for my husband, our three youngest children and I to occasionally discuss what we believe is gossip.  Because while we believe that our family is a safe place to vomit without judgement, we also, now and then, cross the line into the realm of gossip and/or judgement.  It is a fine line, and sometimes, when our emotions are high or our egos are bruised or someone’s heart has been broken, my mama-bear comes out in all of her ferocious “glory,” instead of my faithful daughter in her beautiful humility.  Sometimes because we are all reeling from the unfair blow one of us received, we forget Who has us and we don’t pull each other back into His will, or toward the faith that He’s working it all out for a minute.


Now, let me just say that the only thing worse than not being gently pulled away from the ledge of judging and gossip is a confidant who immediately throws anecdotal christianity all over my pain, so that I don’t feel seen or heard, but I do feel as if I’ve been served a big old judgement sandwich.  I know that people think that they are helping and pointing me back toward Jesus, but before doing that, a wounded person needs to feel safe, heard and not judged.   (and if you ask my kiddos they will tell you I’ve done this a time or two)…  Just the other day, one of my precious children was sharing the anxiety he was experiencing, and I immediately began wrapping it all up in a nice little b.s. Jesus package to which he replied, “I know all of that, Mom, I just need to express my feelings in a safe place before I can get there.  Please don’t shame me.”  I thought I was making him feel better, but, really, he just needed to be heard without judgement and without me trying to fix everything.  – Like I could do that in a million years, anyway!

So, initially I joined right in to the sin of my family of origin.  As an adult and especially, as a mama I realized this sin was wrong.  Years after that I could name the sins – Judgement and Gossip. All the while, I have been praying about this, feeling shame off and on as I stumble, and then I hear about something called the enneagram.  I’ve done plenty of personality tests, many of which have been extremely helpful and had a positive effect of my life such as MBTI, StrengthsFinder, love languages, and spiritual gifts tests.  The enneagram, however, has definitely had the biggest impact on my life.  In the evolution of this particular sin, it has been a game-changer.  Your enneagram number is not a personality test, but it is more about determining the essence of who God made you to be.

I’ve been studying the enneagram for almost three years and my whole family is very into it.  It has helped me see how I behave in unhealth and understand why I have been and done SO many of the things I’ve done and been since forever.  Partnered with the other personality tests I’ve taken, I’ve been able to walk more fully in my daughter identity than ever before.  It has also helped me understand more fully the people I love most in the world – and often other people who may offend or hurt me.  As a 2, I listen to and read anything I can get my hands on that explains my husband and our children so that I can meet their needs in just the way they need them met.  I’m all about meeting the needs of people before they even know that they have that need.  As I’ve taken in this knowledge about other people’s essences/enneagram strengths, I feel as if my eyes have been opened anew and I am understanding how others view, react and behave in a way I never did before – especially considering my family of origin and the fundamental belief we cultivated that our way was the only and right way.

Which brings me to the next stage of the evolution of my sin…  As I’ve learned more about others and their essences, I’ve realized how arrogant I’ve been in judging people through the years.  Of course, I realized years ago I was gossiping and in that I was being judgmental, but now I also realize how arrogant it is to believe that the way I think is the only correct way to think – and that, of course, we all think the way we believe is the correct way or we wouldn’t think that way.  This may seem very obvious to most of you, but it has been revolutionary for this girl.  In learning about each number of the enneagram, I’ve learned more about the lenses we each look through because of childhood wounds and what motivates us at our core.

apple one bite

There are times when I wish I would’ve known about the enneagram before I had married or had children, so that I could’ve been a better wife and mama, or just before I made SO MANY MISTAKES, not because I would not have made any, but because I would’ve made less and had more grace for myself and everyone who crossed my path.  I’m more than thankful that my children have this tool at such a young age and that they understand it isn’t just a narcissistic information source so that they can talk about themselves or make  excuses for their personality flaws, but a rich source of information about how they can work (hard) toward growing into the person God is calling them to be.

I’m thankful for the evolution that God has enriched my life with.  I won’t lie to you and say it’s been a joyful journey…  not even most of the time.  It’s always been worth it, though, and the alternative is not even worth considering for this girl.











We look to our earthly fathers to tell us the truth of who we are.  This is what God calls on fathers to do, and when they don’t, as is too often the case, we are left empty and open to every lie that we are told.  We live in a culture that satan has chosen to attack in such a way.  An entire culture can be broken generation by generation through weakening the fathers.  I’ve witnessed this in my own upbringing by a man who scorned Jesus and gave into his own weak pride on the regular, regardless of how it hurt him, his children or his grandchildren. I wasted years tying my Heavenly Father’s loving hands behind His back, projecting my earthly father’s angry, disappointed face onto His.

I know very few people who honestly revere their fathers for genuine leadership and/or godliness.  I know some will read this and think I am seeking perfection.  I am looking for men who pursue God and His will for their lives with all they have because they took the time to experience an intimate relationship with Him and have some understanding of how great His love is for them.  These men will LEAD in HIS LOVE and that will change our culture generation by generation. 

Men who live like this will understand that women have a place beside them and that through this partnership, God will move mountains, change lives and heal our land.  There will be no place for degrading women in pornography, disparaging pay, sexual assault, etc.  There will be no place for racism.  With men and women truly after God’s heart will come the truth that we are all gloriously different, but equal; we will finally celebrate our differences and reparations will occur with a new humility born of seeing one another through His eyes.

The demand for pornography and other sexual immorality comes largely from broken men, who were most likely broken as young boys.  We need men who will stand against this sin by coming alongside their brothers who are afflicted with this addiction, and help them bring it out into the light, so that they can be healed, and, in turn, come alongside those who remain in this sinful addiction.

We need to stand shoulder to shoulder with one another in love against those who oppress others, standing up for women, people of color and those who struggle with physical and emotional constraints.  This is how we win as a people.  We love like Jesus and we stand against sin as He does, without compromise or distraction.

Until there are more men who operate out of their love of and from God instead of their fear of losing money and power, hidden behind a shield of false godliness, we will continue to disintegrate, until we finally are morally bankrupt beyond repair.  We must raise sons and daughters who fall into His arms and turn to Him in every circumstance.  Knowing the Word is so important, but getting quiet with Him, professing our adoration of Him, and cultivating an intimate relationship with Him is where hearts are transformed and real world change burgeons.

Do you know how much He adores you?  He waits for you and me, not just for an hour, or a day, or even just once.  He waits for us over and again, with outstretched arms and unending love.  He doesn’t turn away as we walk toward our sin.  He is in the room with us, heartbroken that we are not choosing life abundant, ready to fight for us, if only we would turn from the sin we are pursuing, once again.

Make a plan to invest in your relationship with Him daily.  Spend time pouring over His Word, full of rich wisdom, truth and love.  Get quiet before Him.  Cry out to Him.  Invest in getting to know Our Father intimately.  It’s the only way to start and win the Revolution.  The alternative is much too grim and coming too quickly.  It’s time for action.



There are times when I wish I would’ve used a glue stick instead of chapstick… 


Press On




Like everyone else, I struggle with having enough time to do the things I need and want to do.  Why is keeping up with the laundry such an impossible task when my predecessors had to use a wash board and hang everything up?  All I have to do is throw it in with some homemade laundry soap and vinegar, toss it into the dryer and then take it out to fold or hang after about 45 minutes.  Somehow I end up with a MOUNTAIN of clothes, towels, etc. every couple of weeks and it’s a chore to get it all put away properly.  Cooking is the same.  

A few years ago the situation was:  I hardly see friends.  I hardly see my family.  It’s a luxury to write on here.  Last week was the first time since forever.  I know I have tons of company in this area.  I have been struggling with this for years – especially since I’ve return to work full time.  I always get caught up in the worldly demands of the here and now, so I work my tail off keeping up with school work (not mine, I’m the teacher!), and spend what’s left of the weekends making food for the week, washing & drying clothes and cleaning the house.  The last few weeks I have taken time on Sunday to go to a movie and/or get a massage with my husband and daughter.  It was fun, but I still didn’t feel rejuvenated, like I was hoping to feel.

I haven’t been sleeping well.  Insomnia has been my unwelcome companion for many years.  Some of that is just my nature, some of it is family drama and some of it is my job.  I’ve been taking magnesium and melatonin before bed and sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow and they’ve all helped immensely.  Still I’m not centered and I can tell it is affecting many areas of my life.  

Now, I only work part time and I’m still struggling with slowing down.  I spend time with friends, I never bring work home, my children have moved out, so laundry is a fraction of what it used to be.  Yet, here I am feeling like I’m chasing my tail, feeling out of balance and too busy at times.

I know what the answer is.  I forget sometimes when I get caught up in doing and forget about being, but in my heart of hearts I always know…  The sad part is that after a while I avoid the obvious answer because I can’t remember how to begin again.  How to REALLY slow down and be in communion with Him becomes so foreign that I just avoid it or step up my B Game and say more quick little prayers during the day…  UGH!!  Aren’t I too old for this?!

Spending time with Him…  Being truly quiet, not just audibly, but in my spirit, is my goal.  As I sit here and recall similar times in my life the solution is always the same:  Spending time with Him.  And He’s always waiting patiently for me.  I think because of my very conditional upbringing I have a hard time believing that He’ll be waiting for me in any other way than to tell me how I’ve let Him down and to let me know that He’s done with me, so my B Game seems like the best choice after I’ve fallen off the relationship wagon for a bit.  At least then I don’t have to risk His complete rejection…

I just continually and constantly imagine it…

I spent some time with Him yesterday.  I’m not gonna lie.  It was SO hard to be still and quiet in my spirit.  Slowing down was a task!  It took me awhile and then I got incredibly sleepy.  But I was at the point of brokenness and my memories reminded me of who He is and has always been, so I persevered and He clearly spoke lovingly to my heart.  He ALWAYS does.  Why would I rely on anything else?  Why do I forget who my oxygen mask is?…

I’m so glad He’s not like me.  I would grow impatient with a daughter like me.  I would take it personally instead of realizing that my daughter is still growing and she has some shortcomings that have nothing to do with me.

Then there’s satan.  He’s all over this, doing his best to keep me from my Father.  I had the worst night of sleep last night that I have had in a couple of months.  I laid in bed for a couple of hours trying to solve everything in my head.  I’m still growing and I definitely have several shortcomings.  Today I’m spending time with Him.  I’m setting my alarm a little earlier tomorrow morning so that I can start my day listening to Him.  I have a feeling that I will again struggle with being quiet and simply being with My Father, but I know that He will be there, waiting for me with His incredible love and protection.  

So, I will press on.  I will do this again and again, as I fall away and stumble through my journey.  He will forever be there, because He adores me, His beloved, prodigal daughter and I will pick myself up, dust myself off and stumble into His loving and wide-open arms.


Blurry Vision



It’s been a month…  

10 days of flu for me,         

7 days and counting of upper respiratory junk,

4 days of allergy pink eye in my right eye, where I looked a bit like a monster.

My hubby and all of our kiddos had this terrible flu, also.

Our daughter then got bronchitis and I’m following in her footsteps.

Our twins celebrated their 23rd birthday.

I held an IF: Gathering in my home,


I started a new part-time job, while continuing in my present one.

My depression level is soaring.


It’s been a year…

We sold our house and moved to a new city.

I got a new car.

The last of our 5 babies (who are not really babies at all) moved out.

Our Tita was baptized.

It was the BEST year I’ve lived through in a ridiculous number of years.

It’s been…

A blessing to reminisce about the last year to put the past month into perspective.  Being sick for most of this past grey month has been a bit of a struggle, but the past year has been amazing.  In the whole scheme of things, this month has been trying, but only temporarily, so there’s no need to give into the fleeting darkness because light/joy/health are all just around the corner, waiting for me…

It’s just hard to see right now.

















I’m Back





I’ve spent the past six days with the flu.  Body aching, tummy churning, head stuffed up and throbbing.  The last time I had the flu was in 2009 when I had the H1N1.  This has been a walk in the park compared to that!  My Honey came down with this flu about a week before me, our daughter started the same day as me and then our twins got it two days after us.  Everyone came home to be cared for by me during the day and we all just laid around, while my Honey cared for us in the evenings by making tea, warming ginger ale, Zarbee’s and loads of soup.

Today I feel human…

I also feel like I lost a week and while I should just be thankful, I’m having a quick little pity party.  I struggle with wasted time, accomplishing little.

I’m heading to the chiropractor in a bit because lying in bed has wreaked havoc on my back, arms and sciatic nerve.  

SO… I’m thankful that I didn’t miss any work, and I have a husband who loves his family and makes a great nurse and I can just get in my car and get Chiro care.  Also, I’m thankful for feeling like a living, breathing human being again, instead of some walking dead girl.






If I protest the destruction of the rainforests, does that mean I want all of the other kinds of forests to be destroyed?

If I walk in the Susan B. Komen Race for the Cure, am I opposed to other forms of cancer being cured?  – Or am I just opposed to Democrats…


Do all lives matter to the police equally?  Do the indictment records reflect this?

Where are all of these blue people?  Are they blue all of the time?  Do they choose to be blue or are they born that color?  Can they take their blue off – for a little while, at least? Or forever, if they choose?  What about the black people?  Are they born black or did they choose to be black?  Can they take their black off, for a little while, at least?


If my pastor is a known philanderer, brags about forcing himself on multiple women in a violent manner on the regular and has children from three different women, but tells his congregation that the offering is more than ever before and he is against abortion, should I continue to follow his leadership and defend him to anyone that speaks against him based on real biblical principles?  What if he wants to marry my daughter?  Should I give him my blessing?  What about if he mocks people who are physically or mentally challenged or people of color?  That’s not a big deal, right?  He’s not a bully or racist if he says he’s not, right?

Is the best way to defend him to bring up things our pastor from nearly 20 years ago did wrong?  Because I remember when I was a child, deflecting to something one of my siblings did wrong often distracted my parents from what I had done wrong, at least for a minute or two, until they realized how childish my behavior was and returned to the real issue at hand…

If a White Evangelical man and woman bring their sick child into the ER, does the lesbian or transgender nurse have the right to refuse care based on a difference of religious beliefs?  Say, the nurse believes that White Evangelical Christianity is a hate group based on recent behavior she’s experienced personally…  Should we force her to care for these people just because they’re human beings?!

Since I am a woman, is it okay for me to lie about the atrocious behavior of a white man and when a person of color questions me, can I just claim that he’s a bully because I have a v-jay-jay?  Can someone help me publicize an aggressive looking picture of the POC so that I can perpetuate the victim role of a white woman instead of owning the lies I’ve participated in and continue covering up the racist remarks of the real bully?  I mean, just because I’ve been placed in a leadership role over the entire country does NOT mean that a black person can question me about lying to the people of the country I represent.  I am a fragile white woman and shouldn’t be treated like other leaders who behave with complicity.



During the past year (or so), I’ve experienced a regular feeling of living in the “upside down world.”  Things that I thought of as ludicrous and only existing in the past have reared their ugly heads in a very public and “normalized” fashion.  I’m beyond thankful for people such as Joy Reid, Kathy Khang, and Cory Booker for courageously calling out the folks who continuously try to take us down bunny trails.   I’m thankful that they unapologetically demand justice, equality and sanity reign.  Listening to them, and others like them, I find myself, saying, “THANK YOU!  Finally, someone is standing up to this lunacy.”

May we all have the courage to stand and speak before the damage is beyond repair.


Dear Honey



There are so many things I adore about you, but as nearly three decades have come and gone, I find that I much too often take an abundance of your goodness for granted.  Part of my resolution is to be a better wife, less critical of you, so that you can walk more fully in the joyful identity God has for you.  As I’ve prayed about how I can best become more of who He calls me to be as your wife, I’ve asked Him to see you through His eyes and not my own critical eyes.  I believe He’s been bringing to mind some of the many loving qualities and actions of yours that I’ve overlooked recently.  This is just a small sampling of the ways you bless me and others who know you.

It doesn’t go un-noticed that you always clean up the food and dishes when our kiddos are over for dinner or almost anytime we have dinner guests, while I visit and relax.

When you share story after story of the people you bless during your work day or at band gigs, my heart sings.  You are such a tenderhearted man and I love your generosity with people who cross your path.  I love that you have so many homeless friends in Austin, that you don’t simple give money to, but that you invest in them and know about their lives because you choose to spend time and pour into them.  When you tell me any of your many stories of special people who ride your duck tour and “drive” on the water, perhaps for the first and/or only time in their lives, and your eyes brim with tears, my heart just leaps in my chest and I thank God you are my husband.

It means the world to me that when I work my 11 hour day once a week, you have dinner all ready when I walk through the door.  Exhaustion and a yummy home-cooked meal are fast friends.

I love how much you love our children.  Even though they are all grown and out of the house, you still work so hard everyday because you want to provide things for your babies (and me).  Your dedication to all of us makes my heart sing.  You are truly the hardest working person I’ve ever known, but you are not a workaholic.  You work to live and enjoy life with your family and I’m thankful for the example you are to our children.

One of my favorite things about this more “mature” version of us is that you are happy to stay home with me, watching a movie and cuddling is a treat.  When we were younger, you wanted to be on-the-go all of the time, being the extrovert of our union, and I would go along, but it was almost always a stretch for me.  I’m thankful that I have fun with you whether we are out on a date or hanging at home.  You are my favorite person to spend time with.

Thank you for always telling me that you think I’m beautiful and meaning it.  Thank you for encouraging me to discover my calling.  Thank you for being so patient with me as I wallow around in the muck trying to leave my grumpy self behind.  Thank you for valuing my opinion.  Thank you for putting up with me.  I know it’s not always easy, but your love has brought me a peace that I had never known.  Thank you for reacting to (almost) every meal I make as though I am Martha Stewart.  Thank you for cheerfully trying all of my organic, paleo, keto, gluten-free, vegetarian, etc. etc. recipes.

Thank you for loving me.






Yesterday, as we prepared to leave for the truly lovely birthday party my husband planned for me, he asked, “So, are we both 54?”  To which I replied, “I am 53.  You are 54.”

Alas, today, and for the next 3 months, we are both 54.

For the past 2 years I have been adjusting to the fact that I am in my 50’s.  Because of a very traumatic event and then a few more that were almost as traumatic, about 8 years ago, I was in survival mode for the most part of seven years.  I found myself growing a smidge bitter that I had mostly missed the better part of a decade getting through and not savoring much of the present.

In the past year and a half, I quit a job that I rocked, but grew to hate because the human element was slowly being taken away from what I always considered my calling, moved out of a rather large home in a small town that was very connected to aforementioned very traumatic event, and moved to my favorite city in the world (thus far).  Also, my last residing child moved out, creating an empty nest, a broken/thrilled divided mama’s heart, and throwing my everything into readjustment mode.

I am moving forward in expectation.  I am thankful for 54 years of life –

the good,

the bad,

the amazing,

and even the traumatic.

I am thankful for my life.

My Jesus

My Husband

My Children

My Friends

My Church



Days of Birth



They aren’t what they used to be.  When I was younger, I never really loved that my birthday was so close to Christmas, or that it was during the freezing Michigan month of January.  I remember hoping that we’d be back in school after the Christmas break, so that I could celebrate with my friends and then hoping just the opposite as I envisioned being sung to by everyone and being the center of attention.  I have fond memories of cherry chip cake with pink frosting on a crystal cake plate that my mother would make for me as a child.  As a teen I started requesting banana cream pie and feeling very rebellious in my choice.

Tomorrow I will be 54 years old.  This evening my husband has invited quite a few folks out to celebrate my day of birth and I am having the same anxiety as I always have.  This is probably the only thing about my birthday that hasn’t changed.  Being the center of attention is not really my cup of tea.  I don’t mean to say that I don’t feel incredibly loved by people who are willing to make time for me.  That is my love language.  The flip side of this is that I also secretly (well, not secretly anymore!) dread having almost no one show up and the humiliation of that…

Now, the lovely part of being on this side of 50 is that as my January birthday approaches, I find that it is a great time to reflect on my life, where I’ve been and where I’m headed.  I find that I am so much more at peace with myself than I was just a few years ago.  I am blessed with a husband who sees me and encourages my growth and expression.  We have journeyed through almost 30 years together.  We’ve walked through grief, great joy and everything in-between and he’s still my favorite person to spend the day with.  My daughter is one of my dearest friends and watching her stepping into who she was made to be is one of my greatest joys.  Her younger brothers are also beginning to walk in their true identities and this mama’s heart is singing over them.  This, coupled with the strong bond that they share with one another, is a dream come true for me.

I have friends who are willing to walk through the deep stuff alongside me and me with them.  That is something I’ve always longed for and will not take for granted now that I’m blessed with it.  Honorable women are the rare, good stuff and worth waiting for!

We live in Austin, so winter lasts approximately a month and isn’t nearly as bitter as the ones I experienced in the Mitten.  Today is sunny with a high in the 60’s.  Moving here has been a major game changer for this girl.  I adore my city and the life I am living here!

I have several broken relationships that have been this way for several years.  While I am sad about this, I am mostly at peace and confident that my Father will grow all of us through this time.  I’m continuing to do the hard work on myself and that’s all I can do.  In the meantime, I am well aware of the fact that we are not promised tomorrow, so I will live each day in that mindset.  Knowing who I am with all of my wounds and faults, and embracing myself fully.  Being confident of my character and my calling, I am as ready as ever to walk through the door to a new year of life.